Eliza Stamps

Selected rejection letters from the studio of Eliza Stamps, artist and writer

Dear Eliza Stamps,

Thank you for your submission to the Flerlmutter Flat Files. We received a record number of submissions this year. And let us assure you: it was the MOST DIFFICULT decision any of the jurors had faced IN THEIR ENTIRE LIVES. It was such a challenge because we had just three prizes to award (first prize: one Twitter mention and a $10 amazon gift card, second prize: a knit hat from Pam, third prize: thoughts and prayers), with 335,323 artists to review. What began as a jovial discussion about two-dimensional artwork quickly devolved into a shouting match, one we were unable to resolve. As a result, we have shuttered the Flermutter Flat Files and set the building on fire. If you had work in our possession, please accept our insincere apologies.

I wish you the best of luck in your career.

With kind regards,

Jeremarthur B. Flermutter, III

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Dear Eliza,

Thank you for taking the time to submit your work. Unfortunately, we could not find a place for it at Aardvark Press and are unable to accept it for publication. We haven’t been publishing much recently to be honest. We spend most of our time watching Shark Tank and eating hot pockets. The manuscripts have been piling up and our interns have all quit, leaving us without coffee or anyone to yell at. We wish you all the best in placing your work elsewhere. 

 Kind regards,

Aardvark Press Editors

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Dear Eliza,

Thank you for your submission to Kumquat Literary Quarterly. We appreciated the opportunity to read your submission however we will not be able to accept it at this time. While we did enjoy the piece, we are currently trapped in a cheese cave at a retreat center in the Adirondacks. Thus, we’ve pushed back the publishing date of our edition and will be in touch once we find a way out of here. 

Sincerely,

Kumquat Literary Quarterly

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Dear Eliza Stamps,

Thank you for your interest in this project. Unfortunately, you were not selected for exhibition at this time. Our curators revolted. Or rather were revolted by the works we received. As a result, we’ve decided to shift our curatorial focus and will no longer be curating art. If you have any listicles about Timothee Chalemet, Hot-or-Not slideshows about new bath products, or creative pizza recipes (think kombucha!), please do be in touch.

Sincerely,

Conspicuous Curation

(FKA Good Art Works)