Panic Crafting: Which hobby is right for you?
Have you been looking for a new way to fritter away your time while you ignore your to-do list? Hobbies can be great for soothing a troubled mind and feeling productive while doing something entirely unnecessary. Unsure where to start? Use this guide to determine which pastime best suits your neuroses:
Quilting:
Do you hold onto your clothing far past its expiration date? Perhaps you have some items of clothing from dead people, like your father’s windbreaker? This item is probably both too large and never was, nor never will be, fashionable, but it reminds you of your dad and you wear it when you want to be mistaken for a traffic cop. These sorts of things can be repurposed into quilting squares. No, the resulting blanket will not be comfortable. And no, it will not be attractive. It will, however, free up closet space while you waste a tremendous amount of time reliving unpleasant moments.
Decoupage:
Do you subscribe to any magazines? Do you read them? Or do you stack them next to your front door as they arrive, admiring the covers but never opening them? You likely imagine a sumptuous afternoon when you’d lounge in a hammock, indulging in some long-form journalism. But this is, of course, only a dream since you can barely get through a listicle. When you notice the pile is becoming unwieldy, enter decoupage! Turn your inability to read into a funky tray for your curios! All you’ll need is scissors, adhesive, a plate, and seasonal depression. If you run out of glue, try using sourdough starter. It won’t work but will be very messy!
Ceramics:
Have you ever fantasized about sipping hot coffee out of a mug you’ve made yourself? And do you want to worry about the aforementioned mug exploding in the kiln, destroying innumerable strangers’ mugs in the process? If the answer is yes, ceramics may be for you! This activity is best suited for people who don’t hate other people, as you will never be alone in the studio. Bone up on your small talk and get ready to feel inferior! Some people are very, very good at ceramics. You’ll watch them turn hunks of clay into dinner plates instantaneously and assume you can also. However, you will likely spend most of your time unable to center the stupid clay glob on the spinny thing and will not be able to make anything usable, as throwing pots on a wheel is quite difficult and not sexual at all.
Basket weaving:
Do you need more vessels for your garbage? Or places to hold your decoupage supplies? Basket weaving is an excellent solution! With this method, you’ll stay (mostly) dry while working, save for the thin layer of sweat that will develop on your upper lip. Depending on which technique you choose (the world of basket weaving is rich and varied!), you can use twine, rope, or even windbreaker scraps. For best results, each project should be finished, hated, deconstructed, and reconstructed at least twice before “completion.”
Vegetable scrap gardening:
Do you think composting is disgusting? But do you feel guilty that you don’t do it? Time to rifle through the garbage and start planting! One of the easiest vegetables to regrow is the humble carrot. After soaking your carrot top for a while in water, plant in a flowerpot and place in a sunny location. Within a few weeks, you should see carrot fronds peeking through the soil. Before long, you’ll have a bountiful harvest of carrot greens. It is worth noting that this method doesn’t actually regrow carrots. Make sure to tell everyone you can about your garbage garden. Update them on your carrot progress and watch them nod in boredom. Extol the benefits of never having to buy carrot greens again and subtly insult people who just toss their carrot tops like total fucking morons. By the end of the first week, you should have successfully alienated most of your neighbors.
No matter which craft you choose, it will definitely create problems that didn’t exist before you wandered down the hobby hole. Lean in to these! Pro tip: give up each hobby after you’ve spent tons of time on it but just before you become actually good at it. It’ll make you feel terrible! Happy crafting!